FAQ
About Adultery
What is adultery?
Why
is adultery a sin?
Questions from the Adulterer:
Can God forgive me for committing adultery?
Will my spouse ever forgive me for committing adultery?
Will our relationship be ruined because of my adultery?
What if I am not ready to let go of my adulterous relationship?
Does cyber/phone sex with another man/woman count as adultery?
I know I made a mistake, but can I still be friends with the other man/woman?
Questions from the Innocent Spouse:
How can I forgive my spouse for committing adultery?
Does God require me to do this?
Why did my husband/wife do this to me?
How do I let go of feelings of hate and bitterness toward my spouse?
How can I ever trust him/her again?
What can I do to make sure this never happens again?
How can I make my spouse understand what he/she did to me and how much it hurt me?
Answers:
Adultery is defined by Merriam-Webster's Dictionary of Law as "voluntary sexual activity (as sexual intercourse) between a married man and someone other than his wife or between a married woman and someone other than her husband". However, Jesus defined adultery in much stricter terms: "but I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart" (Matthew 5:28).
Why is adultery/infidelity a sin?
Because God says it is! In fact, it is so serious a sin that it was included as one of the ten commandments (Exodus 20:14) with the consequence of breaking the commandment being death for both those involved (Leviticus 20:10). While we are no longer under Old Testament law, there are certianly still serious consequences to the sin of adultery and it is condemned in the New Testament, as well.
In 1 Corinthians, we read, "...do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers,...will inherit the kingdom of God" (1 Corinthians 6:9-10). "Marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled; for fornicators and adulterers God will judge" (Hebrews 13:4).
Questions from the Adulterer:
Can God forgive me for committing adultery/infidelity?
Absolutely! If you believe that Jesus Christ is the Son of God and that He died for your sins, then you are forgiven already. You simply need to repent and turn from your sin and claim that forgivness that is already yours. "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness" (1 John 1:9).
Remember King David? Not only did this "man after God's own heart" commit adultery, he also had Uriah, the husband of Bathsheba (the woman with whom he was involved), killed. If God forgave David, a murderer and adulterer, then he can forgive you for your adultery, also! If you have not asked Jesus to save you from your sins, please read this or watch this video. He has paid for your sin and loves you beyond comprehension.
Will my spouse ever forgive me for committing adultery/infidelity?
The repercussions of adultery are far-reaching. Infidelity is a serious sin and there will be a significant amount of damage to your marriage as a result. While the Bible commands us to forgive those who have sinned against us, it may take time for your spouse to come to that realization and actually forgive you. And it may take even longer for the feelings to follow the act of forgiveness.
Be patient with your spouse and love him or her. Remember, "Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things" (1 Corinthians 13:4-7).
Do everything you can to demonstrate your loyalty and love. You may even have to give up some things (at least temporarily) that have been important to you, but that have negative associations for your spouse (such as music, hobbies, and other pursuits). There is, of course, no gaurantee that your spouse will ever forgive you, but even if forgiveness is not ultimately granted, you have the assurance that God has forgiven you and that you have done what you could to repair the relationship. As important as your spouse is, God is more important and repairing your relationship with Him is the most important thing you can do.
Will our relationship be ruined because of my adultery/infidelity?
Speculation right now on the future of your marriage is probably not the most helpful pursuit. Live one day at a time and focus on building your relationship to Christ and to your spouse. Spend time with God daily in prayer and reading and meditating on Scripture. Again, patience is crucial!
Relationships do not heal from adultery overnight and they never heal without scars. Sin has consequences. If your spouse does forgive you and your marriage survives, there will always be scars. Nothing will ever be the same as it was before the adultery. The easy, carefree ways you used to interact will probably, to some degree, no longer exist. Trust will likely always remain an issue. However, if your marriage does survive, then that fact in itself is a testament to the new-found strength of your relationship in Christ. There is hope for those who trust in Christ for healing.
What if I am not ready to let go of my adulterous relationship?
Please do not wait any longer to turn from your sin! You do not know how long you have and it is dangerous and wrong to assume upon God's grace. "What shall we say then? Are we to continue in sin so that grace may increase? May it never be! How shall we who died to sin still live in it? For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 6:1-2, 23).
One thing that is crucial to remember is that you will not always feel like turning from your adultery. You may feel low and repentant one moment and apathetic towards your sin the next. You must recognize that "the heart is deceitful and desperately wicked, who can know it?" Your heart may be truthful one moment and lie the next. That is why we cannot rely on feelings to determine our choices. We must ignore all feelings and absolutely cling to the knowledge that adultery is a sin; that God abhors it; and that we must turn before He judges us.
The Bible says, "Marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled; for fornicators and adulterers God will judge" (Hebrews 13:4). God is a God of justice. He will allow us to continue on our own path for only so long. Do you really want to test the limits of His compassion? Do you really want to push Him until He simply says, "Enough" and allows His wrath to bring justice? Fall on His mercy and compassion now before it is too late. He can transform your life today if you let go of your stubbornness and turn from your sin completely.
Does cyber/phone sex with another man/woman count as adultery/infidelity?
While the acts of cyber sex or phone sex are different from physical sexual acts, we believe that anything sexual in nature is an intimacy that is meant only for a husband and wife. In the New Testament, Jesus himself lays out a stricter guideline than the Old Testament laws. He says, "but I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart" (Matthew 5:28). If Jesus judged merely looking at a woman with a lustful eye as adultery, is it such a leap to assume that He would say the same of our modern means of employing the phone and internet?
It is also interesting to note that, according to one source, "evidence proves there is a high correlation between on-line infidelity and subsequent real-time sexual affairs". Even if one defines sex using its strictest definition, it is still extremely dangerous to be involved in cyber/phone sex and will almost inevitably lead to intimate physical contact.
I know I made a mistake, but can't I still be friends with the other man/woman?
No! Jesus himself took a very "extreme" approach to sin. He says, "Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery: But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart. And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell. And if thy right hand offend thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell" (Matthew 5:27-30).
There is no playing around with sin. It is an offense to God and when one truly understands the damage he or she has caused to both his or her spouse and to the God of the Universe by hanging on to it, that person will realize how impossible it is to remain friends with the one who helped cause so much damage to his or her marriage. The closer you draw to Christ, the more you will hate anything and everything to do with your sin. Hanging onto a friendship at the likely expense of your marriage is foolishness.
Furthermore, at one point you thought you could handle a friendship. Satan deceived you once...how can you be so certain he will not do it again? Is that a risk worth taking? Another point to consider is this: Would your husband or wife approve of that friendship? I cannot imagine any spouse would! If your spouse is not approving of it, you should not do it, as your spouse's wishes come first.
Questions from the Innocent Spouse:
How can I forgive my spouse for committing adultery? Does God require me to do this?
First of all, yes, God does require you to forgive your spouse. Whether you feel like it or not, it is a requirement. But, what does that mean? What it does not mean is that you have to feel like granting forgiveness. What it does mean is that you need to make a logical decision to forgive. Jesus himself said, "Pay attention to yourselves! If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him, and if he sins against you seven times in the day, and turns to you seven times, saying, 'I repent,' you must forgive him." (Luke 17:3-4) Furthermore, if you choose to deny your spouse forgiveness, there are serious consequences. Jesus said, "If you forgive the sins of any, they are forgiven them; if you withhold forgiveness from any, it is withheld." (John 20:23) Your own sins will not be forgiven if you do not forgive the sins done against you.
Why did my husband/wife do this to me?
There are many reasons why a person may choose to commit adultery. Of course, none of those reasons are valid, but it can help to know what led your husband or wife to turn to someone else for intimacy. Learning from the trial is an important part of growth in your marriage relationship and your relationship to Christ.
Ultimately, the reason your spouse committed adultery was because he or she is a selfish, sinful human being, just like you and everyone else in the world. Most of us do not act on our temptation to commit such a sin, but some do. It is an awful and sad reality. As much as your spouse hurt you, try to remember that but for God's grace, you would have done the same in the "right" circumstances!
How do I let go of feelings of hate and bitterness toward my spouse?
Pray! Feelings of hate and bitterness are certainly natural. But, true forgiveness is the key to letting go of any bitterness in your heart. Remember that God, the One who was most offended, has forgiven your spouse of the terrible sin that was committed and loves him or her very much. If God can forgive your spouse, then you certainly can as well!
Also, remember that you can choose to forgive without necessarily feeling like forgiving. The Bible commands us to "let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you" (Ephesians 4:31-21). It is a call to action, not a call to feeling. We are told to forgive and to be kind. Interestingly, the feelings of forgiveness will almost always come in time when we perform acts of kindness.
How can I ever trust him/her again?
In truth, the only one that can be trusted in this life is God. The sin of infidelity teaches us the sad reality that even our spouse is capable of breaking our trust. But, rest in the knowledge that God will never leave you nor forsake you! Put your complete trust in Him and He will give you the grace you need to trust your spouse again. The Holy Spirit will show you when to trust your spouse. "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight" (Proverbs 3:5-6).
Read through Psalms and meditate on all the verses that talk about trusting in God. Meditation on the Scriptures is the only way to change your heart.
For most, another large part of the answer to this question is simply time. Pray continually that God will give you grace to trust again. Time does not "heal all wounds", but it does help to heal them. Ultimately, you may never fully trust your spouse again. That is what is so devastating about infidelity. The marriage relationship is built on trust, yet infidelity completely errodes that trust that was once so natural. However, with much prayer and choosing to trust, it will become easier over time.
What can I do to make sure this never happens again?
First of all, you need to realize that it is not up to you. You cannot control what decisions your spouse chooses to make. God is in control and he has given us a free will to even sin against Him, if we so choose. However, while you cannot prevent your spouse from choosing to do wrong, you can learn from past mistakes.
If you have not done so already, talk to your husband or wife about the issues that led him or her to turn outside the relationship. No reason is a legitimate excuse for committing adulery, of course, but it is important to understand if there was anything you could or should have done differently. Most importantly, focus on keeping your relationship strong in Christ. Have regular devotions with your spouse and share what God is teaching you. When He is central, your relationship to one another will be stronger.
How can I make my spouse understand what he/she did to me and how much it hurt me?
Again, time is one of the biggest factors. Over time, your spouse will gradually begin to grasp the full weight of what he/she did. Of course, he/she will never fully understand your pain, but neither will you understand his/her pain. For the adulterer, the guilt of forever changing your marriage relationship for the worse is sometimes overwhelming. It can be very difficult to deal with the pain of regret and shame, knowing that it is so permanent.
About this Site
Who are you and why did you start this site?
Are you certified counselors?
What does nouthetic mean and why do you mention it so much?
Are all nouthetic counselors good?
Is the staff at CounselingInfidelity.org against counseling in the traditional sense with certified counselors?
How should I use this site?
How can I stay informed about this site?
How can I get involved?
Who are you and why did you start this site?
For the time being, Job and I (Erin) have chosen to remain anonymous. Our other administrative staff (LeeAnn and her husband, Paul) have also chosen to do the same. There are several reasons for this, but we may in time choose to reveal our identities if we feel God leading us to do so. We want to help others in our situations and while being anonymous does hinder us to a certain extent, we also recognize that proclaiming to the internet world that LeeAnn and I committed adultery against our husbands could have a profound effect on our families in ways we may not even be aware of. That said, we try to be as open and as relatable as possible and you can read our stoies on the forum.
Why did we start this site? We started this site for you! You are here because of God's divine leading and we are here because He knew you would need us at this time in your life. If we only help one person--you--then we have accomplished something for God. Of course, we hope to help many others in your situation, but we truly believe that each one of God's children is precious to Him and worth helping.
Personally speaking, when my husband and I were going through our healing process and I was still struggling out from the strangle-hold of this sin, I longed for a site such as this. And I feel priveleged that God has now called us to the task of providing for others what we ourselves so desperately needed then. We know we are accomplishing God's will.
No, we are not certified counselors. We do not claim to be, nor do we think it is necessarily important. "What?", you may ask, "How can you say that training isn't important?!" Please notice that we have never stated that training isn't important. Rather, we claim that becoming a "certified counselor" is not necessarily important. Every word in the previous sentence is vital to understanding our position, so please go back and re-read it carefully, if need be.
It is important, in fact crucial, to be knowlegeable in God's Word. The Bible tells us this. The Bible also commands those of us who are right with Him to come alongside those who are in need of encouragement to change. But, the Bible no where tells us that we must have any sort of certification and in our opinion, we feel that focusing on something that the Bible does not clearly command can possibly lead to Christians feeling they are inadequate to following a clear Scriptural command. The Bible clearly tells us that all Christians in a right relationship are able to, and in fact should, come alongside their brothers and sisters in Christ and show them what the Bible says. In 2 Timothy, we read, "All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be competent, equipped for every good work" (2 Timothy 3:15-17).
That said, training (with a Biblical focus, of course) is helpful to give us a better understanding of how people tend to think. But, we must always be aware so that we are not tricked into believing "what is falsely called 'knowledge'" (1 Timothy 6:20-21). And, it is important to not forget that we cannot effectively help people if we don't know our "guidebook" ...the Bible! Again, "All Scripture is...profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness..." (2 Timothy 3:15-17). Theological training is definitely beneficial to anyone wanting to counsel others. We should all counsel in the "fear of the Lord", knowing that we are dealing with important, eternal matters that cannot be taken lightly. When we are not sure of something pertaining to our counsel, we do better to ask for help or allow another more knowlegable Christian to continue where we leave off. Every decision should be based on prayer and the leading of the Spirit, rather than our own thoughts and feelings.
Is the staff at CounselingInfidelity.org against counseling in the traditional sense with certified counselors?
Absolutely not! We believe that all truly Biblical counseling is fulfilling its purpose, whether done in person or otherwise. However, we live in a day when technology has given us different options. We encourage our members to pray and follow God's leading as to the type of Biblical counseling that would be best for them and we recommend that our members strongly consider going through marital counseling with a nouthetic counselor or pastor who can meet with them regularly, face-to-face. In our opinion, most people do need some form of face-to-face counseling to keep them accountable. Job and I were a rare exception and only made it by the absolute grace of God! It is important to mention here, also, that wives should submit to their husbands in this matter and allow them to make the ultimate decision.
Once again , we do caution our members that not all counseling, online or offline, that purports to be "Biblical" is truly Biblical. That is why we recommend receiving counseling from a nouthetic counselor or from a godly pastor who counsels from the Bible.
What does "nouthetic" mean and why do you mention it so much?
The word "nouthetic", a word used frequently by the apostle Paul, comes from a Greek noun, nouthesia (verb: noutheteo) that is often translated as "admonish, correct or instruct." What is known as the nouthetic counseling movement was started by Dr. Jay Adams in the 1970s, though it is nothing new in and of itself. Nouthetic counseling simply strives to remain as biblical as possible, while avoiding the subtle infultration of errant psychological ideas into Christian counseling. For a more thorough explanation, see this page from the National Association of Nouthetic Counselors website (NANC.org).
The reason we put so much stress on the term "nouthetic" is not because we believe that only those who claim to be "nouthetic" are, in fact, only counseling from the Bible. There may be many counselors who have not heard of or do not use this term, yet do in fact subscribe to its underlying philosophy. Much of the reason for our use of the term "nouthetic" is for the sake of clarity. Many people use the term "biblical counseling" when, in fact, much of what is called "biblical counseling" today is actually mixed with pseudo-scientific philosophies. Generally, if a counselor claims to be "nouthetic", they will be counseling strictly from the Bible without the use of psychotherapeudic methods.
Are all nouthetic counselors good?
In a word, no. Just like any other group, nouthetic counselors have their faults. No group of individuals is perfect because, after all, we are all still sinful humans! Much of the criticism of nouthetic counseling relates to counselors being unloving or pious, using the Bible to "browbeat" those whom they counsel. Certainly, this is a legitimate danger into which some counselors do fall.
A good nouthetic counselor, however, will be one who listens with concern, shares your burdens, prays with and for you, and counsels from the Bible alone. He or she does not excuse behavior because of "personality types", "repressed memories", etc., but rather turns to the Bible for answers. A good nouthetic counselor will not demean you, criticize you, or belittle you. There will probably be times when he will say something you don't want to hear. There may be times when his words make you feel horrible inside. There may be times of confrontation. But, all these things should be done in a spirit of love and concern for your soul. If he is pious and unloving, no matter how much he claims to be biblical, find a new counselor!
There are many helpful pages and features on this site that you can access at any time, day or night. We hope that you will take full advantage of everything we have to offer as you and your spouse seek victory and healing. There are a few key features that we would like to highlight here for you.
First of all, we strongly recommend becoming a member of the forum. This will allow you to receive notices and updates from the site, as well as allow you to become actively involved with other members who can help you when you need encouragement, advice, or just a listening ear. You are not required to post, but certainly encouraged to. However, if you simply want to be a member so that you receive updates and have access to all the information in the forum, that is allowed.
Secondly, we recommend visiting the site daily for the various daily devotionals we offer. (Don't overlook the scripture on each page of this site that updates daily, also). The devotionals, one by Elisabeth Elliot and the other by Charles Spurgeon, are updated daily and twice daily. Both are excellent, but Elliot's devotionals are modern and perhaps easier for some to read, while Spurgeon's devotionals are more "meaty" and good for one who desires something deeper. We included both simply for variety. We recognize that there will be both those who need the "milk" of the word and those who need the "meat". There is also a section of Erin's devotionals (currently under construction). These do not update automatically, but are contained all together in a "library" of sorts. If you do not come to the site to have your daily devotions, please have them regularly on your own. Building your relationship to God is the most important thing you can do to help repair your marriage!
Another page you will likely want to visit regularly is the Sermons page. Here you find the latest sermons from Sermon Audio, as well as specific sermons we have found that may be particularly helpful to those who would visit our site. Listen to them together with your spouse or in your car on the way to work.
The article library should also be a useful section. Here you will find articles and sermons that can be read on the site or printed out for use during your devotional time.
Finally, we recommend visiting the "Heart-to-Heart" pages. Each of the administrators has a personal page on this site to share his or her feelings and thoughts. You may find these helpful in getting to know who is behind this site and in feeling that you are not alone. Content will vary, but you can expect to find writings with a more personal touch. We want to share our hearts with you so that you feel comfortable enough to share yours.
How can I stay informed about this site?
Again, becoming a member of the forum will keep you updated with the happenings of this site. The forum (or "message board", as it is also called) is the hub of this site. By joining the forum, you will automatically receive regular newsletters and updates. Of course, visiting the site regularly will also keep you up to date.
There are several ways that you can get involved. You can help support the site by praying and contributing financially, either through direct donations or by purchasing books from our bookstore.
You can also become a member of the forum to offer encouragement to those who are struggling and perhaps eventually even become a CyberCounselor. You can also help by spreading the word. Tell your pastor about our site. If the opportunity arises, tell struggling couples and individuals who may benefit. Or, if you have a website, you can link back to us. We want to let everyone possible know that we exist so that we can help as many hurting couples and individuals as we can!